"Hi, my name is..."

Seen today on an acquaintance's facebook status:
"Its sad when friends you know become friends you knew"

I think its sadder when you look in the mirror and can't see the person you knew.
When does it happen? I suppose there's never a definite moment when a person changes.
A decision here, another there...one leading to another and before you realize...you're a complete stranger to yourself.

Today in the morning at the noisy large chinese-style service (which I am obliged to go to when family visit) while I spent time mentally blocking out loud sighs coming from the mother (her way of expressing displeasure with the service/speaker/etc) and blocking out the commands from the speaker to 'turn to your neighbour and tell them that you love them!' 'turn to your neightbour and say ....' I tried to tune in to God.

I tried to have a talk with Him.
Or rather I tried to reason with Him.
That it didn't make sense not to be the way I was...that the expectations I had of myself and the people around me were healthy. After all..if you don't expect anything how would you ever get anything?

And there was silence.

And I felt so exhausted.
Felt like the very last dregs of energy just leaving me.

The problem wasn't that I had unmet expectations, or that I demanded too much..but rather that I was trying to prove that I could do it all. That MICHELLE HONG had it in her to achieve all this and more! That the will of others could be bent to her demands by HER own willpower and skills!
MICHELLE THE SUPERGIRL!

Michelle the superfool.

How many more times do I have to learn this lesson? That I can never survive on my own strenght, my own knowledge..living life on my own terms.
It sure sounds like the right thing to do, be grown-up, make grown-up decisions, show that you have got what it takes to make it!
But its always the wrong choice.

Teach me God, to wait on You.
To just lay down my demands and expectations in exchange for that peaceful freedom that comes knowing that I can trust You to lead, that I can always draw on Your strength.

Help me trust you God, that no matter how painful or how much it seems like the opposite of what I want....you have it all in your hands...and I need not try to outdo your plans.
That I can just relax and focus on the more important things...like becoming the person you want me to be, using life in the way that will bring the most glory to your name...to enjoy just being alive everyday, able to start a new day afresh with you at the helm.
Help me to trust.

You said, I said, they said

People talk a lot.

I talk a lot.

But how much of those words are really useful in the end? I can't stand making small talk, but I will do it if it opens the door to getting to know someone better. After all, we are a civilized society-surely talking about the weather, professions and food is a safe, non-threatening, non-committal method to take stock of the other party.

But then what next? Why is it so difficult to find people willing to engage in deeper conversations?

Is everyone really so insecure that they fear sharing their thoughts and feelings?

Or is everyone content to remain superficial and safe?

Or do they think that they are TOO in-depth and can't be bothered to engage in conversation with lesser mortals?

Either way, my brain is drying up for lack of solid conversations.

Sighs.